Merde in the Metro

I shouldn't make fun - I don't even have a driving license in France - but I just got sent this sad little link about a driver who thought he was going down into a parking garage.

Little did he know, he was headed down into the Chaussée d'Antin-Lafayette metro stop with his 4x4!

Police even tested him for driving under the influence due to his major snafu, but the test came out negative. I guess the signage was just very unclear...hmmm I wonder how that could happen in Paris? Poor dude.

photo source

Operation Brain Re-Train

I have now been to three French driving code classes at ECF, where as you may remember Everyone Can Fail! I almost had a heart attack the first time I had my examen blanc corrected by a peer, but I suspect that I am growing a thicker skin - you have to if you're French.  The teachers have no mercy! We are talking about a country that posts high school and university exam grades FOR ALL TO SEE! Copain almost had a coronary when he passed his DESCF (a big accounting/auditing test) at the end of his university career - he seriously went into a panic and almost couldn't take the exam.  This just attests to the horrible pressure to be perfect here - because if you aren't - EVERYONE WILL  KNOW (and probably make you feel extra bad about it).

For my first openly graded examen blanc, I got 27 out of 40 (and was the second to worst score in the class!).  Keep in mind that you need at least 35 to pass the test. Last night I had a horrible headache and couldn't deal with staying for the examen blanc.  So I just did my own practice test and corrected it myself - I got 28 out of 40.  Soooo I guess I'm making progress right?  In my defense some of the questions I missed were based on chapters that I hadn't read yet OR information that I really don't think is in the book. How am I supposed to know that cars turning into traffic off of non-public streets don't have the priorité à droite??!! There were no signs for them to yield, no markings to yield on the ground and when there are neither of things things, the rule in France is PRIORITE A DROITE! On which page of my CODE book was that non-public street rule communicated - I would really like to know!

I have almost finished reading my Code book and doing the practice questions in it as well - which I think is pretty good considering that I only got it on Monday and today is Friday (there are 220 pages!).  I have only one chapter to go which I can hopefully finish today at lunch time.  I have actually enjoyed learning all of these rules and understanding the signs that have been a complete mystery to me for my five years in France.  I feel like my whole world has become a bit clearer - so enlightening! Who knew?! I have also come to discover another part of the French that I find completely hilarious. It really sort of adds to my love of this ridiculous country.  Please consider the following ways that the French express their driving Code to avid learners:

1.  They say that you must maintain an allure souple, in other words, a "flexible allure or flexible driving speed." You must drive smoothly - but allure?! It's almost like driving has now become a form of seduction - my allure is oh la la - so souple.

2. They like to be confusing...what is the difference between this sign:

and this sign:

Well, it's not very apparent now is it? Ok, one is circular and one is square, one has a fatter arrow than the other. But they both have arrows pointing straight and they are both blue! But to the French, this is trés facile. The first one is an obligation to go straight at the next intersection. The second means that you are on a one-way street. Who knew?!

3. Again, let's try another confusing sign...this one I especially like because it is really so French.

Sign A

Sign B

Sign A means that you cannot park on the side of the road with odd numbered buildings from the 1st to the 15th of the month starting from the sign and until the next intersection! And Sign B means that you are now entering a zone where these same rules apply but ALSO you cannot park on the side of the road with even-numbered buildings from the 16th to the 31st. Is this not the most confusing dose of bull-hickey you've every encountered?

After having driven in the US for over 11 years now, re-learning all new rules is more confusing than if I was learning them at 16 - with no prior driving experience. Or at least, some of it is more confusing. I have to re-train my brain and my driving instincts to constantly be looking to my right, evaluating the signs, remembering the speed limits - oh and ps: if you are a jeune conducteur you are required to drive 10 km/h below the speed limit for normal drivers - for three years I think! (I need to verify the three year business, but I'm pretty sure I'm right). And I will have to remember all of this while shifting gears...oy vey!

I'll be at LA CODE again tonight - fingers crossed for good ol' 29!

ECF - Everyone Can Fail!

I did it. I signed up for La Code de la Route. I am an official code learner and even have the book to prove it.

However the Ecole de Conduite Française managed to lose all my confidence just as fast as they managed to win me over. It was right as I was punching in my debit card code that I learned that the classes start on the hour and that they don't let people walk in late. Seeing as how I get out of work at 6pm and it takes around 10 minutes to walk to the agency, I see this as sort of a problem. The secretary, we'll call her Ann, told me that I should try and walk faster. Nice. Great solution. I'll be sure to wear my New Balances on days I have to run to class.

Next she asked me if I would stay for the famous "examen blanc" or practice test that night. Seeing as how I had never even taken a class yet, the test seemed like a far reach, but I though eh, what the heck, I'll just observe.

I crammed into a tiny room with chairs all lined up in rows facing a big TV screen. The heat was blasting and I noticed a sign on the wall conveniently stating that the toilet was en panne - broken. Wonderful. I managed to sit in the seat directly in front of the heater that blasted the back of my neck and slowly but surely dried out my contact lenses causing me to blink profusively and feel strangely thirsty.

The girl sitting next to me explained that I needed to get a test paper at the front of the room which announced to everyone around me that this was my first time. Again, the fun never ends here. The kid in front and to my right who I learned was named Isam instantly turned around and in the snidest voice he could muster said - you've just made the biggest mistake of your life - enrolling here!

I tried to take it in stride, shot him a smile and said, "please don't say that, I just paid 300 euros for this class..."

But he persisted - "How long have you been here man?" he asked, addressing the vertically challenged kid next to me.

"Uhhhh, five months," he laughed.

"See," Isam told me, "you're screwed, hahahaha."

Needless to say, I kind of wanted to kick Isam in the teeth - but he did win some points in my book when he asked Christophe, our instructor, to turn off the heat.

My heart started racing as the DVD began - DVD 10, Test number 5.

As you can see, I stopped answering questions after number 12. I couldn't take the stress - something about priorité à droite and I just had to put the pen down.  I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a big deal - my first day in class - give yourself a break! But the combination of Isam, the heat, the priorité question - ahhhh. How am I going to DO this??!

Then came the worst.

"Ok class," said Christophe, "end of the DVD, please send your test to the front."  Then he proceeded to pass them out so that we could correct our "neighor's" test. WHA??? Oh god. I hid my half-done test in my notebook.

He got to the end of the tests but there wasn't enough for everyone..."OK, who didn't turn in their test?" he asked with raised eyebrows.  I tried to flash him my sweetest "I'm a nice foreigner" face, told him it was my first time and somehow I got by without complete and utter embarrassment.

We corrected the questions one by one.  Then all the tests were passed forward to Christophe again.  Here is where my jaw dropped.  Christophe started to call out the name of each student and his or her score:

Charlotte: 33

Isam: 35

Short Kid: 32 (followed by, oh la la, you really need to work on that!)

Gaelle: 38

He went through all the tests, inspiring pride in some and complete and utter shame in others. This little charade convinced me that the examen blanc was not for me - not right away at least.  I can't submit myself to this sort of humiliation right off the bat - it would ruin any spark of confidence I ever had.

And so - just to really drive the point home - why not call yourselves Everyone Can Fail! Because basically, isn't that what you're teaching kids here?

French Cannes Cannes Takes to the Rues

After five years of being pissed off about not being able to drive in France, I am finally going to bite the bullet and enroll in driving school - or Ecole de Conduite Francaise. oh yes my friends, oh yes.

You probably wonder why a perfectly capable American driver cannot drive in France - and I understand your confusion.  Let me clarify...

Only certain states in the US transfer to the French permis de conduire - and California is not one of them. Florida? no probs - but California, sorry, you're screwed. have fun.  Sooo yeaaaah, here I am five years later, 27 years old with no driving license in the country where I live.  To put it simply, it sucks. (but I am a public transportation pro, guess that's the silver lining).

As I promised back in early January, I will be enrolling in driving lessons and conquer the French system once more!

Here is my update: I have now visited two schools for comparison purposes and checked out all forms of online learning. On Monday I will be walking my booty over to the Boulevard de la Republique and enrolling myself at the Ecole de Conduite Francaise (ECF) to learn LA CODE DE LA ROUTE!  It's gonna throw me back about 300 euros, but that's not the point - the point is that I need to be an independent woman in a country that has done everything possible to make my life a living hell in all things administrative. I will CONQUER! 

At ECF I will chill with the high school kids from 6pm to 7pm practicing answering questions on the big TV screen with repetitive DVD's going over all of the complicated French rules of the road.  Then from 7pm to 8pm I'll take practice tests until they think I am ready to take LA CODE....DUM DUM DUM! Once I pass that I have to start actual driving lessons - and you better believe I'm gonna rock the manual cars peeps - (well, that's the goal at least). Since I already have a licence, apparently I am not obligated to complete the full 20 hours of "behind the wheel" driving, so instead of paying for the 1200 euro "package" they offer, I can just pay per hour - 40 euros to be exact. Every. Hour. ...Awesome.(apparently I'm rich and I forgot).

Pray that 10 hours will suffice - that I will be kicking driving a** on the streets of Cannes before you can say Code de la Route. Because I really can't handle anymore setbacks - I've earned my keep here darnit! Haven't I suffered enough France?? Haven't I?

Look Out Frenchies - Cannes Cannes's Drivin!

That's right my friends - my New Year's resolution has been decided upon and I am taking a moment to declare it all to you so that I can't back out without feeling like a total D-hole. 

It all started when I told my Dad how much I wanted to learn to drive in France but that it would cost me around 1000 euros (yes, read it and weep!) to pay for lessons.  I would have to learn The Code and how to drive the dreaded stick shift. My Dad, the pension-conscious human that he is, the man who said "you take care of the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves," started to flip at the thought of my hard earned centimes being spent on lessons to learn how to drive a French voiture. 

"1000 EUROS??????" he said incredulously.  Yes, 1000 euros - if I pass it the first time.  Just read my friend Sunny Life's blog for proof! It's dramatic and traumatizing for both French and Americans alike and will cost me an arm and a leg to pass it...which is why I haven't done it yet and I've been living in France for over five years now.  I am a 27 year old license-less American in France.  How. embarassing. I am a sans-permis.

And then, with all of this information circling around in his LAPD-trained detective head my Dad told me I was nuts to pay such a sum and we can teach you to drive a stick today and you'll be driving one in ten minutes and I'm calling my friends right now to find an available one so get dressed and put on your driving face!

Only nobody had one except for Dale... and all he could offer was a convertible 350 HP Ford Mustang that would have sent me rocketing down Bouquet Canyon with my terrified driving face on.

My Dad the detective searched and searched for a stick shift car in a sea of automatics "for his daughter home from France" to no avail - Rent a Wreck, Avis, Hertz, Budget - until Bestway Auto Rental and Sales pulled through for us with a silver manual P.T. Cruiser. 

"Isn't that a piece of shit car?" my Dad asked the sales rep.  "We'll take it." 

We decided it was best NOT to tell Bestway why I specifically needed a stick shift (to completely destroy the clutch in all of my novice glory) and when Bob the sales rep asked me if this was the kind of car I drive in France I didn't miss a beat - Yes, Bob, why yes it is!

Detective Dad - who has mastered the art of acting by fooling robbers on the streets of LA - shouted, "I get to drive it first!" and hopped in the front seat as to not give away my ulterior motive.  I played along and gave in with a defeated, "Ok Dad, I guess you can drive it first." And away we drove in our PT Cruiser to the local high school parking lot for my first stick shift driving lesson - terrifying.

My Dad forgot to tell me important things like how you have to push in the clutch before you come to a complete stop or else you will stall.  He forgot to tell me that I had to lift my foot off the gas when changing gears.  BUT the man was ruthless and effective - go into first and start again - ok now do it again.  Again. Start over. Stop, turn here, start over. I broke into a full sweat complete with heart palpatations a few times (mainly when really cool high schoolers rolled into the parking lot in their new Sweet 16 birthday presents). I had to remember that I was over 10 years older and shouldn't be affected by the embarassment of stalling out in front of the jocks, but it was rough. I stalled, I started over, I tried turning but forgot my blinkers, I tried to back out of parking spots and stalled out again. I'm pretty sure my cool factor went down by like One Hundred.

And after 30 minutes of this stop and go dance, by George! - I had me some fancy footwork going on and I was driving. I ventured into the industrial center (no cars thank god!), then into another neighborhood (no children thank god!) and then my dad tricked me onto Bouqet Canyon Road where I had a minor panic attack but survived the intersection and managed not to kill anyone!  I went through the entire valley and even made it onto the 5 freeway AND I only got honked at twice on the way home which I feel can only be categorized as a success. 

By nightfall I was parallel parking between my mom (2 glasses of chardonnay deep) and another car on the block!  I got honked at one more time that night but 3 honks in one day - that's not that bad right? The next day I took my first solo flight to return my beloved PT Cruiser - who will always have a place in my heart.

And so, my friends, I am a drivin fool on the streets of Santa Clarita! Watch out France, here I come - I'll be stalling through whizzing by the roundabouts before you even know what hitcha. (At least that's the plan.)