In my head?! Code Red Emergency running to les toilettes for two months is in my head??? hmmmm...I'm sure poor Copain (very good at speed-walking through Paris and Bali to nearest toilette) would beg to differ.
I tried not to smack her from across the 1940's consulting table.
Well, I've cut out all gluten, dairy, alcohol and café, docteur - and I think that may be helping.
"Quelle bêtise! What a mistake!" she exclaimed. "Everyone is cutting out gluten and dairy these days - it's very à la mode - it's so in fashion. What you're really doing is lowering your tolerance for the foods! Why would you do that? This is all stress-related - you are nerveuse."
Hell, yes I'm stressed and nervous - nervous I'm not going to make it to the nearest toilette! (Trying to stay calm and fight for my digestive rights)
"I want to see an allergist," I said in my best "I'm not gonna take your crap" French.
"Un allergologue?? Mais non! I highly doubt you have any allergies. I'll send you to a gastro-éterologue."
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she softened. "It's really no way to live - you can't go out to restaurants, you live in fear of food, why only yesterday a patient told me that she was living on rice crackers and hadn't had a vegetable in months!"
I played to her French "No first, then yes" approach to life (how could I have forgotten!!) - "Oh I know, docteur, and we live in France! Land of wine, cheese and delicious gluten-filled baguette - I can't live like this forever."
As she wrote my prescription for the gastro doc, probiotiques and some other government-reimbursed medication, she continued, "This always happens to us women. Where do we hold our stress? In our intestins of course. It's just terrible. Tell Docteur Gastro that you've come de ma part - he's not an old fogey, don't worry."
And really, why would I be worried after this wonderful medical experience?