Like so Totally OCD, for sure

My mornings are like clockwork:

My alarm goes off.
I hit snooze.
The alarm goes off again.
I turn off the alarm.
I open my emails on my Iphone.
I read any new ones.
(this is where there is variation...): Sometimes I check Facebook, sometimes I don't.  Crazy, I know.

I lie in bed for about another five minutes trying to wake up.
I get out of bed and put on sweats and slippers.
I walk into the living room.
I go to the toilette.
I prepare the coffee and let it brew.
While coffee is brewing I prepare a mug with some milk.
I turn on the radio.
I prepare my lunch in a tupperware and put my breakfast biscuits on the counter to take to work.
The coffee is ready. I poor it in the mug.
I pour a glass of fresh water to drink after my coffee.

I plop on the couch and drink my coffee.
While I drink I think about what outfit I will wear depending on the weather. I realize I don't know what the weather will be...
I drink the water.
I realize how late it is and I go to the bathroom to get ready.
I wash my face.
I put on deodorant.
I put on face lotion.
I brush my teeth.
I put in my contact lenses.

I go to the toilette. again.
I pick out my outfit.
I put the outfit on.
I look in the mirror and debate whether or not I like the outfit.
I tell myself to stop being stupid and just go with it.
I go with it.

I go back into the bathroom.
I do my makeup.
I do my hair - this involves two seconds and a bobby pin. voila.
I put on my jewelry - 2 rings, earrings and a watch.
I put on my shoes.
I look in the mirror again.
I decide to go with it, again.

I put my lunch in my second hand bag for work.
I double check that the stove is off.
I double check that the lights are off.
I double check that my phone is in my purse.
I double check that my work keys are in my purse.

I grab my house keys.
I grab my two bags.
I walk onto the landing and lock my door.
I walk down to the 3rd floor and wonder whether or not I locked my door.
I go back upstairs and double check my door.
My door is locked.

I go all the way downstairs and walk to the metro.  Three stops and I change lines.
Two stops and I get out.

I walk down the street and make a left.
I walk to number 6 and open the door to work.

So you can imagine my surprise today when a Katy Perry (featuring Snoop Dogg) song about California girls came on the radio and I got a sudden case of homesickness - all during my bathroom preparation time. It was awful with knots in my stomach and daydreams of BBQs, car washes and my dad carrying a cooler on the beach whilst sporting a hip visor.  It just came out of no where and in my scheduled morning I didn't know what to do with it.  I had to remind myself why Paris is so great - Eiffel tower and all that crap.  But it didn't work. Somehow the sound of Snoop Dogg and Katy Perry singing about daisy dukes  and bikinis on top just got me all choked up.

I might have to stop listening to the radio - it throws off my whole morning.

America the Air-Conditioned, America the Great

I wasn't going to blog today - I vowed I'd be in bed by 11pm.  But after reading my friend Sunny Life's post I had to blog!

Today I was speaking to an anglophone who was new to France - this person has been a little errr...challenging.  At any rate, she was jet lagged and tired and I was trying to be understanding:

"Um, so like, what kind of accommodations do they offer in the South of France? I might want to go there instead next month."

"Well, I'm not sure," I answered. "All cities have different kinds of accommodation options. Why do you ask?"

"Because it's so HOT in Paris! In the South of France it will be less hot and more bearable because the ocean is there!"

hmmmm....how to explain....

First of all, it's a sea, not an ocean, but let's not get into technicalities. Second of all, uh NO it's not less hot in the South of France!  I told her I lived there, I knew.  And then she threw this one at me:

"So do they just like, not have air conditioning here?"

"Well, as you've noticed by the way I have swamp ass, there isn't even air conditioning in our offices...no one really has air conditioning, you know, like San Francisco or Santa Barbara."  (I tried to bring it closer to home for her)

It was a ROUGH conversation.  One that I had to quickly relay to my Anglo friend as we chuckled over her uber-Americaness.  But after a five minute pause I had to bite my tongue. I was a big ol' hypocrite:

At 15, during my first trip to Europe, all I could do was complain about the lack of air conditioning and how stupid all of these Europeans were. What the eff were they thinking suffering through summer like they did? And why the eff were they making me suffer too??!!  I spent most of my vacation in Berlin at the large mall in the center of town, not because I cared to buy anything but because it was friggin air-conditioned.  Call me a spoiled Southern California girl but I just couldn't take it!  To this day, that is pretty much all I remember of Berlin.  And cold showers.

Over the course of 6 years I, like Sunny Life have gotten used to the sweaty, smelly mess that is France during the summer.  I live with swamp ass, I sweat a bead of sweaty mustache, I feel the sweat drip down the back of my legs in a store that is hotter than hell and I save money - why? Because I leave before I can pick anything out.  The heat makes me angry and I have to GO.

I give up trying to look suitable and I just deal with it - cotton and linen are de rigeur, the hair goes up in a bun, rings are totally off limits due to heat inflated sausage fingers, and makeup? makeup is a total joke! But I don't stink - I will never go that far into the French realm of summer.  C'mon people! Antiperspirant it up! Fill your pores with alluminium! For the love of déo! For the love of my nasal passages and gag reflexes on the metro!

And to continue my rant just a bit further, what really gets me are the people who stink already at 9am.  How for effs sake does that thappen?! I'm at a loss.

So where I had a little chuckle about the naive newbie who just didn't get it - I take it back. I take it allllllll back. Girlfriend is right. Get it together Frenchies.  Install the AC. And if you "get sick," as you always claim you will,  pas de stress! The government will pay for your lovely doctor bill anyways!