Merde in the Metro

I shouldn't make fun - I don't even have a driving license in France - but I just got sent this sad little link about a driver who thought he was going down into a parking garage.

Little did he know, he was headed down into the Chaussée d'Antin-Lafayette metro stop with his 4x4!

Police even tested him for driving under the influence due to his major snafu, but the test came out negative. I guess the signage was just very unclear...hmmm I wonder how that could happen in Paris? Poor dude.

photo source

The Genius of... the Toilet Sink

I recently had a chocolat chaud with a friend who just bought an apartment (la rêve!).  Granted, she is just outside of Paris and therefore benefits from a bigger space (with parking!), but she still had to deal with the constraints of an apartment building and a co-propriété while re-doing the interior.

My friend loves her new apartment, but there was one thing that she was not willing to deal with in a place that she owned: she did not want a toilet room without a sink.

You see, in France, the toilet (or WC) is often separate from the bathroom (the salle de bains).  It's very convenient when someone needs to use the loo and someone else needs to shower, however the problem is that there isn't always a sink in the toilet room to wash your hands after you do your, uh, bidness.  Often you have to walk from the toilet to the salle de bains to wash your hands.  You do the toilet room door handle germ math. Guh-ross.

So, as I was saying, my friend didn't want a germy toilet room door handle and decided to take matters into her own hands!  Plumbing was already installed a certain way when they moved in and there was no reinstalling the pipes to connect a sink... so guess what my genius friend found?

That's right mes amis - a toilet with a sink on top! To top it all off, after washing your hands, the dirty waste water is used to flush the toilet! That's what I call ecological and economical... Not to mention, total. genius.

Nuit des Musées - even at Daily Monop'!

On our way to the Musée Carnavalet last night (museums were open to all for free until 1am), Copain and I walked by the Daily Monop' (the mini version of Monoprix with mostly just food stuff) and guess what we saw?

Daily Monop' was having an exposition of its own! All the Frenchies gathered around to see how this wonder machine - Côté Pain - worked!

You put in one Euro, you wait one minute and presto chango - a hot baguette pops out of the machine!!

French genius.

Parisian Metro Chart Topper

I've blogged about the Paris metro before...but today my friends, today my metro experience topped the charts.

I had just gotten off the metro at République - the doors were still open and I began my mad dash to the next line when I heard it: the sound of snot and phlegm being sucked down the throat, into the mouth, only to be...yep, you guessed it - I turned my head to the left only to see a WOMAN lean out of the metro and hawk a loogie onto the platform.  


Then the bell rang, the doors closed, and she went on her way.


Who does that?!


 I'm still in shock.

Do You Have Peau d'Orange?

I'm in shock:

Copain just asked me if I have cellulite!!!! Then when I answered that yes, why yes, I do have cellulite, he showed me an email that he'd just received advertising treatments for half off! How kind of him to think of me...

What the eff.

When he realized that I would then be blogging about this, he offered to pay for it (I'm supposing he was going for additional shock value).

I think I'll have ice cream for lunch.

ps - did you know that the French call cellulite, peau d'orange?  (literally, skin of the orange, or what we call orange peel).  I guess cellulite does look like orange peel, but bah, I hate the reference.

Get Fit Fast with the Frenchies

Get Fit Fast with the Frenchies - Parisian Pound-Dropping Master Plan


So simple with guaranteed results!

Our motto - it pays to run late!


Step 1: Set alarm for 7am.

Step 2: Snooze until 7:45am

Step 3: Check Facebook and emails on your Iphone until 8am.

Step 4: Get out of bed.

Step 5: Make coffee and read blogs while drinking coffee.

Step 6: Look at clock.  (??!!!!"'"'(&"à'ç!&"ç'&!!!)

Step 7: takeashower, doyourhairandmakeup, getdressed, grabyourstuff, runoutthedoor - wait - didyoulockthedoor??!!! runbackupstairstocheckthedoor!! runtothemetro, swweeeaaaaat ALOT. getoffthemetroandruntothenextmetro, sweeaaaaaat A LOT MORE. getoffthemetroandruntoyouroffice, arriveattheoffice, sayhellotoeveryone, wipeoffyoursweatmustache, breathbreathbreath, sweatalot, wipeoffthesweatandairoutyourpits, openthewindow, sitatyourdesk, sweatsomemore. Go get more coffee in the staff corner. Start your day.

Step 8: Watch the pounds disappear....VOILA!! The new way to drop those unwanted pounds fast! Start running late today!!

Oh My Millefeuille

I just realized it - just this very moment - that today is my 6 year France-iversary.  I've been living in France for SIX years now - ooooh la.  C'est crazy non??!

Don't ask me why it took me six years to appreciate French pastries, but it did, and tonight I have officially GONE TOO FAR.

It all started so reasonably...a millefeuille here, a fraisier there, a chocolate raspberry amazingness for the road....until one day it became my quest to find the best millefeuile in Paris.  I would scour the quartiers on Saturday afternoons searching for a millefeuille in one of the million boulangeries - purchasing the first one I saw and forcing myself to wait until dessert time to eat it.

Now I don't even wait for the weekend.  I see one, I buy it, I eat it. For lunch, dinner, dessert - whatever.
Last night on my way home I saw one peeking out of the bakery window.  Not one to leave a millefeuille sad and alone for the night, I popped in to buy it and ate it after my healthy high protein dinner negating any and all effort towards a well-balanced meal.

Tonight though - wow. Tonight took the cake - literally.  I was doing my grocery shopping around the corner in order to pick up a few things before Sunny Life comes for the weekend. All of a sudden I saw it -no, them! Not one but TWO millefeuille in a nice little box sitting in the bakery section of the supermarket.  They taunted me and with no willpower left in me at 8.30 pm I snatched them up!  I thought I would wait until Sunny Life came to enjoy them for dessert one night- but I had no strength - I failed, my friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, FrenchCannesCannes has eaten the millefeuilles - all two of them - in ONE sitting.

My only excuse is that it is my 6 year France-iversary....it just would have been a more plausible excuse had I realized that fact before the pig out.

Merde.

BRRRRRR! Cannes Gets A Cold Spell!

10.30am on the beach in Cannes

This was a BIG event people.

Even Dolce got snow - it was intense.

Jamit America!

I remember the first time I came home to the states for a visit and felt reverse culture shock.  The first shock was the Home Security video they showed all of the passengers on the KLM flight as we approached LAX.  I was both happy to be home and utterly embarassed by my country as I watched it as an American who had now been living abroad for over a year.  I not only saw the video from an American perspective - what a safe country! How lucky we are to live in such wealth! America the great! But also as a foreigner - Who do these Americans think they are? What a ridiculous film! Can we please spoof this on Youtube immediately?! I also noticed that the film was in English and only English with Spanish subtitles thrown in for good measure....somehow to say, we are so international and accommodating to you foreigners. I looked around me at the other passengers and listened as I heard yes, maybe some Spanish, but also French, German, Italian, Russian, Mandarin, Portugese...did they all speak either English or Spanish? Did they understand our Home Security video and the importance of filling out their customs declaration and giving their fingerprints and photo to our customs officers? I'm not so sure....

My next shock occured as I walked through the airport, suitcase in hand, excited to see my parents in the Arrivals area.  I had gone through Amsterdam Schiphol airport (awarded best airport bathrooms by Moi in 2004!) to get here and in comparison LAX was a complete and utter shithole.  After watching The Video which made our country out to be so amazing seeming to be made with the intention to instill envy in the hearts off all non-Americans, LAX certainly didn't back up the message. It was like purchasing an all-inclusive resort vacation online only to realize when you show up at the supposedly 5-star hotel that it was all a scam - the beach resort is actually located in the desert and the beach is a four-hour drive away. The bed creaks when you sit on it to unpack your suitcase and the bathroom smells like mildew.  You want your money back!

I was assured that America would redeem itself and the fact that my parents were there did help the country to go up about a million points but then we got in the car and proceeded to drive inch home on the 5 freeway.  About 2.5 hours later we arrived at our humble abode, my childhood home which is normally - when facing no traffic during a one-hour window during the day - a thirty to forty-five minute journey.  After walking, busing or metroing it everywhere in France, this was difficult to deal with.  How had my parents driven over an hour to work and sometimes even 3 hours back home everyday of their adult lives? How could I EVER live here again and deal with THIS?

A few other shocks during that particular trip home were the gigantic toilet paper rolls from Costco and my Dad's need to park in front of the tortilla store for tortilla pick up and then roll forward in his F250 (Ginormous Ford truck) about ten feet to pick up meat at the meat store. Walking ten feet in southern California heat was apparently not an option.  I also remember feeling like I might vomit after eating a sandwich and salad combination menu from the mall food court all by myself.  It was marketed as a one-person meal but it was obviously either made for two or made to take home in a doggie bag.  How did I never notice this before???

All of this living in France had completely changed my vision of the world and my day to day lifestyle.  Why were we eating dinner at 6pm? Why did dinner last only twenty minutes?! Why all this driving? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  I felt lost - neither American nor French - just this weird combination of cultures who didn't completely understand either one.  I was a Framerican and didn't fit in either country - the only solace was found with other Framericans who got it.  And to top it all off as my French was exceling my English was going down the shitter.  I couldn't find my words, couldn't recall how we referred to certain things.  I felt like I had a mental block- the English word I wanted to use would only pop into my head in French.

I will admit however that there were certain luxuries that my French life did not have...little things like bath towels fluffed and dried with Bounce in the dryer, air conditioning in the middle of summer, and a glass full of ICE water. Where I loved all of these things, I couldn't help but recognize the waste that all of these "luxuries" produced as I had lived quite comfortably without them for some time now.  I air-dried my towels which admittedly made them crunchy but they worked. I invested in fans in the summer and ate frozen melon balls as relief from the heat. And I sweat my ass off, but I survived.  I forgot that I used to love ice water and just refilled bottles of water that I kept cold in the fridge.  I forgot that I missed all of those things.

As time has gone on I have fully adopted certain French ways of life and I miss them when I visit home.  And there is always the American in me that scoffs at certain things that are "lacking" in France.  (I admit it, I still do really love air conditioning when the summer heat makes you want to DIE).  But I have learned (am still learning) to appreciate each country for the good parts it has to offer - to try and laugh at the things that are just so American or just so French.

I was reminded of this as I boarded the first "American" leg of my flight from Chicago O'Hare to LAX this trip home.  As I took my seat in 19D next to another countryman, I could smell the faint odor of fries...and sure enough my fellow American did not fail me! Out came the McDonald's burger, fries and a supersized coke for his trip home.  Last night I was relishing one of my mom's magazines (she saves them for me when I come home - thanks Mom!!!) and I was looking through the "Gift Guide for Men." They had your typical 'like-new-again t-shirts," root-beer liquor, a "golf and coffee cup," "the beer book" but also (and this is my personal favorite) - Bacon Jam.  Let me say it again - Bacon Jam. Here is what they say about it (quoted from Real Simple magazine, December 2009): This savory blend of bacon, onions, spices and balsamic vinegar is perfect for your pork-loving 'oinkle.' Spread it on grilled cheese, burgers and toast.

Bacon Jam

And as I read it, I smiled.  Because seriously, that is so American.

Throw Me a Bone Here People - or an Apartment?

This just in from the French Riviera - http://www.puppydeparis.fr/ 

Does Fifi need a new puppy bed - is her old one lumpy and perhaps emitting an odor that prevents her beauty rest? Look no further my animal-loving friends!  Fifi's owners can buy her the luxury of a "Baron Haussmann Canapé " at Puppy de Paris !  Or maybe a "Baron Haussman Canapé " doesn't allow her to stretch her hind legs during her night-time doggie yoga (doga?) sessions. Well not to worry - Puppy de Paris offers a new exclusive line for puppies used to first-class living: the "Place Vendôme Apartment" allows for plenty of sleeping space AND room for doggie's luxe wardrobe.  Who needs Petco when you have Puppy de Paris????

Because as they say, "Love me, love my dog."  (Yeah, they seriously say that...well, Henry IV said that and they quote him on the home page. Really.)

Oh, AND you can get your dog's name embroidered on their apartment.  Seriously.

As much as this website makes me want to yak, I might have to say that the creators are kind of weird slightly genious because the Frenchies down here on the coast would TOTALLY buy this stuff. I want a friggin Vendôme apartment. damnit.

Friday - the 13th

Friday is a magical word.  Just saying it out loud makes people around you smile as experienced today when I walked into the office and mentioned the greatness of today. Friday.

Then I went upstairs to my desk and looked at my phone which just so happens to have the date in the top right-hand corner - it's not just Friday, it's Friday the 13th. Didn't even occur to me until then. 

Now to be completely honest, I'm not really a believer in all this Friday the 13th nonsence but ask me to fly American Airlines and I'm totally freaked. What's my deal? As I was searching all the cheap flight websites that exist in the world I hoped (in vain) to find a ticket on Air France, KLM or British Airways (my airlines of choice) for an appropriate (read: not over 800 euros) flight.  But nothing. Nada. Zip. And so in the end I bought American Airlines - shiver.

If they make me pay for a glass of wine or a sensible snack during my almost 800 euros flight, I am going to flip out on the lovely American stewardess - flip. out. If I get stuck sitting next to an American who thinks that talking with your neighbor during the flight is acceptable, I'm going to have to listen to my ipod and "pretend sleep" the entire trip.  And if they give me one of those nasty yogurts that is about five times larger than any yogurt that a normal-sized person can finish in one sitting with the gloppy fruit at the bottom (why do they ALWAYS give you raspberry??!) I might have to throw it out the Emergency exit (which I will be sitting very close to).  Last but not least, if I dont have a personal TV screen and have to crane my neck to watch the screen hanging from the ceiling, I might have a total shit fit right there on the plane.

Don't let me down American - I'm friggin counting on you.

**funnily enough, after writing this post, I found this article...

I Heart Kate's Cakes - A LOT

I would like to give a shout out to Kate of Kate's Cakes wherever she may be.  Kate, you rock and your carrot and orange cake rocked my afternoon.

Crafty Cannes Cannes

After a trip to Mr Bricolage after work today, I now can say that I am the proud owner / maker / installer of homemade screens!!!

All it took was 7 meters of mosquito netting, white duct tape, a needle, thread, scissors, thumb tacks, and a ladder.

I plan on actually getting a good night's sleep....and waking up with no new bites.

If this doesn't work, then I'm at a loss.

If this does work, then I get a pat on the back for being crafty :-)